Time to Find Out What’s Really Going On
One of the most common complaints I hear is that people just don’t want to open up to new ideas and new ways of doing things. Leaders often label it as stubbornness, negativity, or a lack of buy-in. Teams/people get frustrated. Conversations turn tense. And progress stalls.
But here’s the truth I’ve learned from decades of teaching and coaching: resistance is rarely about the change itself. It’s about what the change represents to the person experiencing it.
When we approach resistance as a conflict to resolve and something to get curious about, we gain access to something far more valuable: a deeper understanding of what is going on with and what truly matters to the other person.
The moment we decide someone is being “difficult,” we stop listening. Our goal becomes convincing, correcting, or controlling instead of getting curious in order to gain understanding. Conflict resolution presents us with the opportunity to pause that impulse.
Resistance often protects something important: competence, identity, mental health, status, security, or past success. Until we identify what’s at stake for the other person, no amount of logic or data will move the conversation forward.
In my work, I teach people how to distinguish between positions and meaning.
A position sounds like:
- “This new system won’t work.”
- “We’ve always done it this way.”
- “This is a waste of time.”
Meaning lives underneath:
- “I’m afraid I’ll look incompetent.”
- “They are not taking into consideration how my brain processes things.”
- “I don’t trust leadership to support me if this fails.”
If you argue with the position, the person will defend it harder. If you explore the meaning, the resistance you start to build trust and get closer to the real meaning. Try a reflective statement that invites them to talk more: “Help me understand what this shift would mean for you day-to-day.”
This kind of statement doesn’t judge or condemn.
Most people communicate resistance emotionally long before they articulate it logically. Tone, withdrawal, sarcasm, silence, or repeated objections are all signals. Think about yourself. How does resistance show up in you?
Conflict resolution requires us to listen beneath the words and tune into emotion.
Emotions are not always expressed in actual words; you have to listen closely to identify the emotions they are uncomfortable or afraid to express.
- Frustration may signal feeling unheard or unseen.
- Defensiveness often points to fear and anxiety.
- Anger can mask grief over other life changes.
Instead of shutting emotion down, acknowledge it. When people feel emotionally recognized, they are far more willing to explain what’s underneath. After you do this, it’s time to ask some curiosity-driven questions. The quality of your questions determines the depth of the conversation. Avoid “why” questions that sound like interrogation. Instead, use open, invitational language:
- “What concerns you most about this shift?”
- “What feels uncertain right now?”
- “What would you need to feel more confident moving forward?”
Then, and this is critical, resist the urge to fix, defend, or respond too quickly. Let silence do some of the work. People often need time to find words for feelings they’ve never been asked to express. When people feel heard and understood, they feel seen and respected and are more open to experimenting with something new.
When handled skillfully, resistance becomes one of your greatest sources of information. It reveals blind spots, unspoken fears, and unmet needs. It shows you where trust is fragile and where communication needs strengthening.
Conflict resolution isn’t about winning people over. It’s about creating conversations where truth can surface safely.
And when that happens, resistance often transforms, not because you pushed harder, but because you listened better.
You’ve got this!
