One powerful thing you can do
One of my clients has been dealing with a draining conflict at work. She is part of a team and one member of the team creates conflict. When not under pressure or displeased, she is a high producer and a very giving and nice person. When stress or unhappiness with a co-worker hits, she turns into a completely different person. She hovers over team members to demand things and talks to them as if their ideas do not matter and to make matters worse, she is protected by management.
My client saw herself acting in ways that she did not like when confronted by this woman and tried many things to lessen the tension and resolve the conflict. She tried to ignore, react differently, and speak to their manager who did not take any action and still the conflict continues. This is work at a job that she otherwise enjoys and provides substantial financial support.
Frustrated, hurt, and finding herself once again faced with a reaction from herself that she does not like, she called to talk with me last week. What was wonderful was that at the moment of the height of her feelings, she reached out, but I was not available. She reached out to someone else who gave her advice that she was not sure she agreed with, but it caused her to pause and think.
Once I returned her call, she had taken full advantage of that pause and had come to a revolutionary and powerful conclusion. “I decided that I am going to spend time searching within myself for the reasons that she triggers me the way she does and why I react the way I do. She is most likely not going to change anytime soon and I am not leaving so I want to learn from this opportunity.”
Joy leaped in my heart. I told her that most people would not understand the power of that approach. To disempower her team member from within is an acknowledgment of the fact that conflict is here to teach us something about ourselves, a most unwelcome truth for most of my clients and their friends and family. Friends and family will often vehemently disagree and say, “Why is it on you to change? She’s in the wrong.”
Yes, she is, but there is also something else happening, something we all have access to if we are willing to learn it. When we can explore our own feelings and reactions to people and circumstances and understand why they affect us the way they do, we can change the power dynamic by no longer reacting as we do. We can sit in, feel, and then let go of the feelings created thereby clearing the mind and the heart space for making the most confident, productive, and powerful decision about how best to respond.
That’s next-level conflict resolution folks and she’s taking it on! It won’t be a perfect or easy journey, but she will come out on the other side more empowered and knowledgeable.
Are you ready to do the same? If not, catch the replay of our TV show Working It Out Across Generations Season 2 Episode 6 about Triggers. You can watch it here.
Congratulations to my client for her growth!
In Love,
Dr. Lynne
