Sorry Folks It’s Not That Simple, But Here It Is.
“Why does it have to be this hard?” This is the familiar refrain that I heard recently from my client, a frustrated manager who had just finished a raw and honest conversation with a team member who is seen as difficult to get along with by the rest of the team. My client had avoided this conversation for months and only chose to face it after our third session together.
His question to me melts into a chorus of familiar phrases and questions shouted at, whined at and thrown at me over the many decades of this work. Lynne really? I really have to talk to them about this? I can’t just hope they will get over it or forget? I hate difficult conversations! Why me? Why do I have to be the one to bring it up? Why can’t these conversations be easier? I have to have another conversation about this? Are you kidding me?
Oh goodness, do you hear yourself in these questions? I’m laughing because while I may not say it at times, guaranteed The Conflict Closer has had far too many of the thoughts in conflict situations close to me. But hey, if we are committed to better relationships, productivity, mental and physical health and growth, we need to accept the fact that the answer is not blowing in the wind like the song says. It is in fact in having more conversations and inviting people in.
But conflict makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk. People don’t want to get real or deep. I’m a private person, I don’t want to share my feelings. Work is not for feelings, it’s for work! These are the things that make conversations so difficult, but I am telling you, real change and progress will not happen without it. We will just continue to assume that we know what people are going to say and why they are going to say it and what they really mean by it and why they won’t ever change and why this will never make a difference in this situation or relationship.
And yet, I have heard the most beautiful admissions and vulnerability in these dreaded conversations. I have seen two people who in their own way felt rejected and unheard by each other recognize the misunderstandings and miscommunications of their past interactions. I have seen dysfunctional teams work to hear and understand each other and move forward to a better working relationship. I have seen hearts mended with the words that had been tied up in stubborn conviction that the other person was wrong.
We are at a point in history where we are discovering more and more about how humans operate, feel, learn, hurt and love and it is going to take every good thing in us and a lot of skills to get through this and come out better than we have ever been together.
I am on this journey with you in my own life. The answer my friends is less needless talk and more meaningful conversation about our lives, our feelings, our fears, our hopes, our joys, our grudges, our mistakes, our care, our forgiveness, our secret pain and shame. Ohhhh, have I scared you off? I’m just being real. We can do this and every blog message is going to share something that will help you/us make it through.
For now, I just need you to commit to having the most meaningful conversations you’ve ever had. Be committed to making this year the year of greater understanding, compassion, patience and skill-building. Make this the year that we all look at ourselves with the eye toward… what can we get better at in order to have these great conversations?
I’m turning my eye on my “I got it honest, judgmental side.” This is getting in the way and has kept me from seeing the complexities and difficulties that people are dealing with. I will change this!
What about you?
Will you turn your eye on what is getting in the way?
Will you make the commitment to more meaningful conversations?
Will you build the skills and then use them?
The journey starts now…
Are you in???
In Love,
Lynne
