“I’m going to speak my mind. If they have the right to tell me all the things I’m doing wrong then I have the right to do the same to them!”
 
Long pause from me.
 
Certainly, any of us who are raising and/or regularly interacting with teenagers have heard these words or something similar. 14 about to be 15 year olds try on this sense of bravado at least once when challenged by an authority figure in their lives. Intellectually I know this, but as a Black mother, the long pause on my part is indicative of a reaction that is about to come from someplace other than my head.
 
I was raised by a Black mom who like many other Black moms at the time would have Shut That Conversation Down! “You don’t talk back to adults, you will not be disrespectful to any adult and you most certainly will not Act the Fool in front of White folk!” While this cultural stronghold is innate in me, this is not the reason for my long pause.
 
As a woman whose journey inside herself has included examining the cultural norms of my racial and ethnic identity, I’ve visited the cultural logic and necessity for this popular refrain. In my desire to examine who I have become and who I really am as a woman, but in particular as a parent…
 
 

 
 
So when that familiar refrain rises up in me and threatens to take the breath out of me, I acknowledge the space that it came from, breathe it out and put it to the side. Though it takes a minute, that is not the reason for my long pause.
 
My oldest son went from elementary through high school without much incident. He had his own academic struggles and year of personal upset but he rolled with the punches and bounced back without feeling the need to vent to anyone but his dad and I. When it comes to what others think of him, he is his grandfather, my Dad. He is unapologetic about the love and pride he has for himself and nothing changes that for him. He therefore sees no need to respond to any shade anyone throws at him.
 
My 14 about to be 15 year old son came to us as a baby fully aware of every nuance of human behavior. He could sit quietly observing everyone in the room for hours. As a toddler, he made it very clear from his own expressions that he was not always certain why we were in charge. He was perfectly convinced that he was the one that knew himself best and that we, though loving were not necessarily best suited to run the show. As a teenager, he still lives his life with the intention to be true to who he is every day. He wears his heart on his sleeve and takes note of any raised eyebrow, disgusted sigh, tone of voice or sarcastic remark.
 
Being shut down from my childhood through teen years left me unable as an adult to speak up against those who had no regard for my feelings. So when I hear these words “I’m going to speak my mind. If they have the right to tell me all the things I’m doing wrong then I have the right to do the same to them,” my heart speaks, “Yes that’s right, PUSH BACK! Adults can’t disregard your thoughts and feelings and then demand that you ALWAYS respect theirs. You have great conflict resolution skills and you know how to use them!”
 
And then BLACK MOM FEAR SCREAMS!!!! “You can’t let him do that. In a predominantly White institution he will be labeled as a trouble-maker. He will be written up, tracked, labeled, dismissed, given up on. He will be thrown into the pile of black boys who just don’t give a damn, who have parents who cannot “control” them.”
 
And the war inside me begins.
 
However, it is such an important part of who he is and a powerful way to walk in the world. But what if he encounters the wrong police officer and pushes back? But NO… what a great trait to have when he encounters a rejection in the business world and pushes back.
 
 

 
 
Yes, this is all going on inside of me and THIS is the reason for the long pause.
 
I decide that he must speak up, own his part in this conflict and then be clear about the behavior on their part that requires him to push back. “I will go with you for support, but you should speak.” “No Mom. I won’t go because what I know is passion will be heard as disrespect.”
 
And then those three fatal words. It always is… “Sigh.”
 
That dreadful sigh that I have heard too many times for too many decades from too many Black boys who have been made to realize that this is how too many people in their everyday lives see them.
 
What conversations are you having about Race in your life?
 
Lynne Maureen Hurdle is committed to having conversations on race and is authoring her first book on Parenting and Culture.