But how do you get yourself to say it?
I just can’t seem to say no. I want to, but then I… fill in the blank. I hear this so often from clients, friends, and family members. Saying yes to all kinds of things that you don’t want to is a dangerous habit… Yes, dangerous… the kinds of inner conflicts, physical consequences (stress, disease), and time management conflicts (less family time, limited social life, and overworking) lead to life-altering negative consequences.
Over the years, I’ve offered individual help, but today I’d like to reach as many people as possible with what I’ve learned about freeing yourself from this.
Locate your Why and make peace with it.
That’s right, make peace with it. Part of what happens when you start to search for why you can’t say no is it brings up all kinds of feelings and none of them tend to be good. Guilt, sadness, anger, and judgment tend to keep you from diving more deeply into why and that only keeps you from developing an understanding of where and how you learned it and what triggers it.
Making peace simply means that you understand that we are all a collection and reflection of what we have been taught and internalized and sooner or later it all needs to be faced. We can at that point choose what we want or need to do with this information, but it needs to be done when we are truly ready. If you are ready now, that’s great.
Take time to examine, feel and sit in your feelings.
Feelings are going to surface, they always do. Fear is one of the biggest ones. Understanding what you are afraid of and asking yourself to face what is real and what is possibly imagined is an important exercise in learning to say NO. When the thoughts pop up that saying no will make you look incompetent or make you disliked, question it with… is that really true? What are you basing that on, the one time it actually happened? I mean after all, if you have been saying yes to everything all these years, how do you really know that the consequences you fear in your head will materialize?
Once you’ve examined, then sit in the fear or whatever feelings you experience and honestly FEEL. Guess what? You can feel it and get through it all the way to NO.
Ask yourself… what do you really want to say?
Check in with your spirit, your gut. If you are going to say NO more often, you are going to have to learn to trust them. Then answer the question of what you really want to say. Settle down that imagination about all the terrible things that will happen if you say it. Learn to trust in you.
Practice saying NO.
Make up a song about it, I don’t care. Actually, songs work well. They stay in our brains. Ever had a song you just couldn’t get out of your head? But if that’s not your thing, stand in front of the mirror and practice it. Make it a daily affirmation. Get in the habit of forming the words in your mouth. Your mouth is not used to saying it, it needs the practice like learning a difficult word in another language.
Believe me, you need this because your habit of saying yes kicks in before your mouth catches up. I have a close friend who I can see her in her mind wanting to say NO, but her mouth, even after hesitation, always says yes. I often have to tell her that it is perfectly fine to say NO and then role-play it with her so that she can say it. PRACTICE HELPS!
Make your answer to the next 10 requests, “I have to think about this.”
Seriously, try it even if you sincerely want to say yes. You need the practice of giving yourself time to do the first 3 things I shared here before you respond. It takes time, confidence, unlearning and practice, but I have every confidence that YOU CAN SAY NO!!!
In love,
Dr. Lynne
