The recent “Monster Mom” Twitter controversy about the actress, Cherlize Theron showed the world a situation that quite frankly anyone who is a parent has had with their children. She needed her four year old to do something and he refused to listen. There were a series of pictures that depicted scenes of what looked like her requesting her son to get in the car, telling him to get up off the parking lot floor and to her finally dragging him to the car. There was massive tweeting about whether or not she was a “Monster Mom” as OK Magazine suggested.
My particular focus when reading this was not about whether she was “the worst parent” or a “normal parent” or even “a white mom who has no clue how to parent a black son.” (Oh yes, these were all tweeted responses.) No, my mind went to one of my favorite quotes by Steve Furtick that I use in my upcoming book…
Who among us would want to be caught in one of our most difficult moments with our children? There we are vulnerable, frustrated and afraid for all the world to see and judge. Charlize is used to being on camera. In fact, I imagined her publicist telling her that she could get off the hook by claiming that she was just rehearsing a scene from her upcoming movie, Monster Mom.
Hollywood celebs have a lot more latitude and help in cleaning up their messes and assuaging their critics. We, on the other hand, often face these situations alone and face an even harsher critic: Ourselves.
Most of the hundreds of parents that I have worked with over the years are harder on themselves than anyone else in their lives and I am telling you… We Don’t Need To Be!
We can stop and reflect, add to our toolbox, try things out and reflect some more. However, judging should be taken off the table because, the measure that we use to scold ourselves is someone else’s highlight reel.
How many of us have experienced situations just like Charlize experienced? Both of my hands are raised. We catch ourselves doing it but never seem to be there when our neighbor is going through it. We tend to think that it is just us, but it is not. What happens behind the scenes is real folks. It can be messy, unpolished, frustrating, frightening, stressful, and frankly, it can annoy the hell out of you. But this is not a solo trip.
It is happening to all of us! So let me share what you can do the next time you have a difficult moment with your child.
BREATHE
This is so underrated and almost cliché but that is because it is often not explained usefully, so let me try. The breath is powerfully connected to our brain, our organs, our nervous system, our emotions and honestly everything that makes our body work. Do not take this gift for granted. Tune in to your breath and notice it and then take a breath in to the count of five and try to make your belly rise. Then breathe out to the count of five and let your belly fall. Belly breathing has good calming effects and lowers stress. Repeat this five more times to regulate your emotions, body functions and clear your brain.
CONSIDER
What do I really need to do here? What is actually happening right now? For instance, is your child ignoring you? Are they having a tantrum? What do you actually see happening in front of you? Now check your thoughts. Are they going to the place of “if they keep behaving like this no one will like them or they don’t respect me or I’m not a good parent”? What you see in front of you is real but none of these thoughts are because they are not actually happening in that moment. Focus on what is real and only what is real.
DECIDE
Do something that you believe fits what’s real in this moment and don’t feed the fearful thoughts. If fear is called for because they have placed themselves in danger then act from that space. But if fear has just invited itself into the situation, acknowledge it and escort it out! Then do what you feel is best for the situation. Let it go. You’ve done your best in the moment. No need to judge. You can assess and then decide how best to prepare yourself for whatever happens next. Oh, and if the paparazzi shows up just SMILE and think, “those Hollywood celebs don’t do it any better than me!
Besides my book I am working on something so delicious I can’t wait to reveal it to you.
It’s POWERFUL, FREE and It Gets RESULTS! I’ll be telling you more about it in the next few weeks.
