The Inner Conflict of Self-Love: 7 Ways to Practice It
It is Men’s Mental Health Month, and so I need to bring this back. Too many of you are trying to live up to the stereotype of “being a man,” and we need to address it.
Next month, it will be three years since the world lost Stephen DJ “tWitch” Boss. For me, it was and still is a kick in the gut. I did not know him, although I loved his work; I had not been following him as long as so many others had, and still, this was a tough one. I felt it daily for months afterwards.
So many unanswered questions to this day, and yet his story is known, while too many others are suffering in silence, often behind a forced smile.
I am the proud mom of two young Black men. This and the feelings that the holidays naturally bring up for so many of us have spun me into days of deep thought and self-reflection. And then of course, I think about all of you and conflict. Clearly, DJ “tWitch” was dealing with some real inner mental conflicts, and I am not presuming to say what any of them were. I’m just thinking about what to take from it. The obvious, of course, is that we need to create spaces for mental health conversation to take place among those who identify as men, and yes, that includes Trans men.
The thoughts that battle for men’s attention are inner conflicts of the most personal and intimate kind that the world does not make room for as a way of life. The way we view, think about, approach, and engage/or avoid conflict is affected by so many things, including what has been modeled for us, our emotions, our toolbox, and even what we think of ourselves down deep.
The inner conflict of truly loving ourselves is real, ya’ll and it is a struggle on too many days for far too many people. Oh, I know, we can say the positive words and daily affirmations, but behind closed doors, in front of the mirror, what do we really think and say to ourselves?
As critical as social media, some family members, some co-workers, bosses, and even strangers can be, often, the harshest words spoken to ourselves come from within.
I’m guilty at times. How about you?
External conflict is hard enough, but inner conflict is tough and can be much more lasting and damaging. So, let’s have some truth time and look at this from the perspective of “yes, it’s real in my life and I have to address it.”
You in? Okay, Let’s Go. 7 Ways to Start.
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- What do you like about yourself? Name one thing out loud every day. We are just going to start with, like, we need that to get to love. Oh yeah, we’re going to get there.
- Stand in the mirror and smile, and say hello to yourself. You are the person who is going to live with you the longest, so why not greet yourself with a smile and a good hello today?
- Rest and breathe. Yes, in a fast-paced 24/7 work, work, work, fill up all of your time doing for others, world, taking the time each day to rest and breathe, even for 10 minutes is an act of self-love. I’d love for you to build up to 30 minutes over time, but hey, I want you to keep reading, so let’s start with 10.
- Catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself and switch to something good that happened, or that you did, or that you intend to do. Practice that throughout the day.
- Forgive yourself for a mistake you made. You have to do this one mistake at a time. We all make mistakes. That’s what we are here for. We are supposed to learn from them; instead, we make ourselves suffer for long periods of time. Practice forgiveness. Say the words “I forgive you for…”
- Tune into your body and give yourself a gentle massage, and send love to yourself. Listen, I have struggled with body issues my entire life, and I know how hard this one is, but one of the ways we can develop self-love is to recognize how often we are out of touch with our bodies or throw shade at our bodies. So, tuning in to soothe and massage helps us to learn to love this one body that we have and marvel at how it works, even when it is in pain. Start by massaging each finger and go from there. Your body will let you know what it needs.
- What do you love about yourself? Yes, I want you to name as many things as you can. What do you love about you? Believe me, I know when you switch from like to love, it’s serious… but aren’t you in a serious relationship with yourself? If not, it’s been long enough! Time to get serious and fall in love.
Here’s one extra that is perhaps the most important of all. If you cannot say or see one good thing about yourself, then please talk to a professional. I know this can go against cultural norms, and I understand the importance of culture, but your mental health is so much more important. Get the help you deserve.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is now: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Men, I want you to work on resolving this inner conflict around self-love.
I’m not saying that it will be easy or quick.
What I am saying is that it will change your life.
Take the first step.
Do one of these and go from there.
WE NEED YOU!
In Love,
Dr. Lynne
