You’re welcome to give it a shot.
Recently, I contacted a friend to tell them about an internal experience I had. I knew that they were concerned about me and I just wanted to share what I was going through.
Immediately after I shared, they started asking questions to “try to help” and then followed those up with giving advice. I could feel myself becoming really uncomfortable recognizing that I only wanted them to listen to me. I gave grace and tried to answer some of the questions and listen to the advice, all the while recognizing that all of this was frustrating me.
It wasn’t what I wanted or needed in this situation. Now mind you, they are someone I turn to often and they are usually right on in their response. But this time it was not at all useful.
We eventually moved on to talk about something else and I was fine. After we hung up, I thought about it and felt into what happened and what was coming up for me. The first thing I realized was, “Lynne, you do that all the time.” The second thing I felt deeply was they really wanted to help. After much thought, I was really grateful it happened because it led me to decide to try something new.
Here it is.
Whenever someone reaches out to talk about something they are going through, I am going to ask right up front, “What do you want from me in this? Do you want me to simply listen, ask questions or are you looking for advice?”
I realize that most of us are a product of a fix-it culture. We want to be helpful and get our loved ones to solutions as quickly as possible. But how often do we disempower them, frustrate or silence them by doing so?
Asking them what they need from you upfront allows you to participate in ways that are useful in getting them to where they need to be in their situation. Granted, sometimes people don’t know exactly what they need in the moment. In that case, I suggest just offering to listen. Let them hear themselves talk it out without our two cents influencing them.
If they do know what they want from you then honor that without taking over the conversation. Offer them the option to change their mind about what they need along the way and then don’t take it personally if they want to hear from you less.
I recognized for me, with all of the roles that I play, asking this upfront and sticking to it will take some work, but it is something I am committed to trying.
How about you try it with me for a week and see what happens? I am actually on my way to meet a sister friend and try it now. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
In love,
Dr. Lynne
