But I don’t like what you’re saying.
They used to call it “calling someone on the carpet.” Today, they call you on the carpet to roll you up in it and throw you away. That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but is there a difference between holding people accountable and cancelling them? Yes, I am continuing the discussion because we need some distinctions here. It has become very popular to “call people out.” A lot of us are into that, especially when it comes to social justice issues, but not a lot of people are familiar with or choosing the technique of “calling people in.”
You’re probably familiar with the term “calling someone out.” It’s usually used when a person has offended someone or stepped out of line. It’s an effective, important, and sometimes even fun tool when the intention is to stop an action or behavior that could cause potential harm and jeopardize safety in the workspace.
Calling someone in has a different function. The goal is to call attention to something said or done to educate and open up a conversation about it. Let’s say someone uses a term that offends you or someone else. Rather than continue to let them use that term, you might interrupt and inform them on how that term can be heard as harmful. It’s an opportunity to then invite them into a conversation about it, with the hope that they will be open to seeing it from a different perspective and no longer use it. Yeah, that’s the truth. Ideally, we want them to understand that they are accountable for doing harm.
Calling someone in seems like a lot more work and a lot less fun. But it’s worth it.
- Let the person know that you have a concern about something they said or did: Uncle Jimmy, I need to come back to something you said when we were all enjoying our food.
- Tell them in the kindest way possible what it was and why it concerns you: Your regular storytelling of the racist jokes, ethnic stereotypes, and slights to women doesn’t play here anymore because you’re hurting people who are sitting right here.
- Ask them if they were aware of the impact that their actions would have: Is it your intention to be hurtful?
- Share with them the importance of considering intention vs impact: I am certain that you are not trying to hurt people, but the truth is that words are very powerful, as are beliefs, and you’re sharing both when you say those things, and they impact us. People, regardless of their intentions, have to be responsible for the impact their words make.
- Ask them for their thoughts: I’d love to hear your thoughts on what I just shared.
- If they’re ready to own the mistake, thank them for being open to learning about a different point of view.
- If they are not ready to own it, invite them to have a further conversation about it. Let’s talk more about this because after this, I am hoping that we never have to talk about it again.
- Let them know that you are calling them in to stay in the conversation because they are an important part of the team/family/community, and everyone needs to commit to being willing to acknowledge their mistakes.
Calling someone out, on the other hand, is a technique where the intention is to stop what is being said or done right in that moment. It can come off a lot harsher than calling someone in because the action is already causing harm, and the potential for others to withdraw because they are feeling unsafe is high.
It is possible to call someone out and then call them in to have a conversation about it. Whether they accept that invitation often depends on what you said and how you said it when you called them out! Some of us tend to really relish going after someone, and the harshness of it makes them decline the invitation to stay in conversation.
I believe intention setting before we engage in these courageous conversations is everything we need. It will help manage our emotions, reinforce the use of the skills we mentioned before, and increase the likelihood that we see these exchanges to the end.
Many of us are using calling people out for good, but we’re doing good badly. I’m encouraging us during this holiday season to try to call people in more than we call them out. We’re losing each other. We need each other… flaws and all.
I hope this helps someone and saves a few holiday dinners.
In love,
Dr. Lynne
