And I’m Struggling…
I’m mad at someone that I call family—and I’ve been mad for a long time. And really, what’s underneath is that I recognize it as hurt, disappointment, and confusion. But I don’t know what to do about it.
Can you believe that The Conflict Closer—who is encouraging all of y’all to engage in Courageous Conversation—cannot figure out what to do about this really deep and important internal conflict? So I’m catching myself doing the very things that I tell y’all to watch out for.
Asking myself:
Is this really the time to do this?
Does this person really need to be a part of my life in the same way right now, at this point in time?
Just like many of you, I’m telling myself that I think I know how they’re going to respond—and I think it’s going to be phony.
Can I even trust them if I think it’s phony?
Will I know it’s phony?
Is it really going to be phony?
Will it be better to jump on Zoom or do it on the phone?
It’s certainly not going to be by text—because that is not my thing, y’all. And yes, I’m gonna come out and say it to you: text is not the way to have a serious conversation with someone that you are close to.
No, I don’t care if you don’t agree—it’s true.
Can you hear me shouting?!
These are all the things going round and round in my heart and head!!
So, what am I really struggling with?
Here it is:
Can I temper the hurt so that I don’t hurt—because we all know that hurt people, hurt people.
Can I say what I need to say in a way that it can be heard—but not overlooked?
Or will they try to explain it away, or pretend that they’re really listening when they’re really not?
The biggest struggle is this:
I think I’ve gotten it wrong about them all this time, all these years, all these decades—and that’s really painful.
But then again… how do I know that that’s true unless I open the conversation?
The same things that you all struggle with:
Can I believe them?
How do I know that I can believe them?
Are they really lying, or are they just fake?
Are they just doing and saying the things that might make me feel placated in that moment in the conversation?
What do I do?!!
I know eventually—I know me—I have to have the conversation.
Ohhh, a scary thought: that in spite of all the amazing support, love, everything they have given… I could have missed who they really are underneath. And circumstances have allowed them to be revealed—not just in their treatment of me and mine, but of others as well.
Wow. That’s too painful to even think about at times.
Which is why I let it go—and then come back to it later…
When it really bothers me.
When it really nags at me.
When it really is begging me to have that conversation.
See y’all, this is why, this is why, this is why—when even The Conflict Closer struggles, you know that I am onto something.
This is why Courageous Conversation is so important.
Brave conversation is so important.
Because otherwise, we’re just figuring things out in our head instead of with each other.
And we need each other.
We need to figure out these things with those we are close to.
We need to still believe in each other.
We need to give each other a chance.
We need to hear each other out.
We need to dig deep and ask for the real answers—no matter what they are and how much they hurt.
This is the work.
This is the genuine work.
And I am struggling…
Who else is struggling with me?
In love,
Dr. Lynne
