The devastating time in my life that led to Breaking Culture
“In the Spring of 1993, I was diagnosed with infertility. My tubes were damaged and needed to be repaired, this diagnosis was devastating. It was unexpected, unfair, and unimaginable, and a few more uns that I have a feeling you can relate to.
Four years into my marriage, I was not ready for this news, but I sprung into action anyway. That was my modus operandi back then, get hit, take it, don’t process it, instead, spring into action and find another way.
In this situation, my “another way” was to immediately schedule surgery to repair my fallopian tubes. When that was unsuccessful, leaving me scarred physically and emotionally, I quickly moved forward with a new plan to try the latest in fertility treatments that might help our dream of parenthood materialize. After all, it was not like there was no hope, so many advances were being made, surely, I could be helped. When January 1994 rolled in, I was served with the crushing news that this baby thing was not going to happen.
Right away my husband and I decided to start the process of forming a family through adoption. Despite a few raised eyebrows and some loud warnings from well-meaning folk in my African American community, we lovingly went ahead with what I saw as my chance to finally be a mom. The chance to experience what so many parents experience, ecstatic grandparents ready and waiting to lovingly “spoil” our child. It was a dream I kept for so many years after watching my mom fuss over everyone else’s grandchildren longing desperately to hold her own. She was thrilled at the news, but something was wrong with her.”
My mother would be gone in a year and what was already the worst time in my life became absolutely unbearable and I had no idea how I would survive it. I also had no clue that it would completely change my thinking, my work and my life.
This excerpt from the newly released book, The Difference: Essays on Loss, Courage and Personal Transformation begins to unveil how I used these difficult events to make the kind of change that allowed me to push back against some cultural norms and incorporate this new way of operating into my parenting and my work.
I’ve talked about breaking culture here before, but I have never revealed the circumstances leading up to coining the term and making the decision to lead my life in that way.
I was invited along with 7 other authors by my colleague and friend, Achim Nowak to be a part of this important book that he and Rosemary Ravinel were co-editing and contributing to. I knew right away what I would write about. With this book, Achim and Rosemary are putting forth the questions: “What if you could have an audience with 10 successful humans who have inspired millions of followers around the world to lead more authentic, wholehearted and expansive lives? What if you could ask these individuals to pinpoint the ONE factor or experience that unleashed the greatest personal transformation in their lives?”
To be honest, Breaking Culture was one of the most revolutionary things I have ever done and as hard as it was during the most difficult time in my life, I am so glad that I did it!
“With my mom no longer around, I had the opportunity to break culture. Being raised by Black parents from the south was a pretty common denominator in my circle of friends and family when I was growing up. As a result, parenting was somewhat universal. As a teen, I remember a group of us sitting around telling all the same stories of spankings, punishment, long-winded lectures, and classic one-liners meant to put you in your place.
Don’t get me wrong, this was not just a complaining circle. There was plenty of laughter but certainly no rebellious talk of breaking away from any of it when we became parents. In fact, we knew we were going to carry on those same behaviors with our own children and we couldn’t wait. But those days were long before I opted into the study and work of conflict resolution.”
The essays in this book are quite phenomenal. The experiences gathered by Rosemary and Achim along with their own stories will make you pause, change your thinking, inspire, excite, challenge and give you the courage you need to face your own situations that can make The Difference in your life and those touched by you. I have truly experienced all of the above when reading the book.
Anyone who has called me and gotten my voicemail has heard me say “I am out making a difference in the world right now, so please leave a message.” I truly believe that we are all here to do that for each other.
In Love,
Dr. Lynne
