Safety Pinned and We Still Don’t Matter

The recent disgraceful incident at Starbucks in Philadelphia prompted me to revisit an article I wrote for Psychology Today last year. It was during the time of the Safety Pins Movement and people were upset that many People of Color were simply not feeling it. I admit to being one of those people and took to my computer to give space for both sides, but also to issue my own response.

For those who are unaware of the recent Starbucks incident you can see it all here. https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/14/us/philadelphia-police-starbucks-arrests/index.html

As I begin to serve the world with my Closing Conflict for Leaders book, I am compelled to share that the leaders in this situation failed miserably when it came to conflict. The Starbucks manager, the police officers, the CEO of Starbucks (in his initial apology) and the police commissioner all failed to understand that this situation was one that could easily be resolved and did not need to escalate at all. I will take this issue on in my next Psychology Today article this week. In the meantime, I felt it worth repeating a part of the original Psychology Today article I wrote in response to the safety pins. The introduction has been updated to incorporate the current situation.

Dear White Friends,
The safety pin movement has long since faded away. Frankly, it disappeared as quickly as it popped up which I attribute to it being a reaction fueled by emotions rather than a response fueled by listening, discerning and then making sound decisions. Remember, the election had many of you in a tizzy of emotions including, shame, blame, anger, fear and guilt. So many Black and Brown lives lost since then, so many hate groups in power since then, so much non-action and frustration and Black Lives still don’t matter to so many. We are still not safe and yet I hear so many of you declaring that you want to be an effective part of creating that safety. So as an African American and your friend, I would like to share 3 things that would create safety for me.

1. Recognize that being a nice person is not the same thing as being an ally and being nice is not enough. Allies don’t just give themselves the title, they do the hard work of admitting to themselves that there are other White people out there who know more than they do on this subject and they go and learn from them. They don’t ask me how to find them. Allies know that they must check the privilege they have of being able to put off learning how to do the work of confronting their own conscious and unconscious bias. Allies know that the “nicest” thing that they can do is seek out those groups of White people who have been doing the work of dismantling racism, join them, learn from them, bring home the skills and do the horribly uncomfortable work of teaching these skills to their children at an early age. They do this because not only is it right, but they know that their friends like me have little choice in when we teach our children about this because the world confronts our children with it at a very young age.

2. Love me enough as a friend to prepare your sons and daughters to truly be friends with my sons. Have that really heartbreaking conversation with them about the fact that should they be driving in a car or walking down the street with my son and get stopped by the wrong police officer, their mere presence can literally change the “complexion” of that interaction and not in a good way as they are apt to think. Please tell them that my son’s safety will be affected by them understanding racism in this country and how it actually works. Please let them know that unlike the encounters they may have had with police, when they are with my Black son and in an encounter with the wrong police officer, everybody better know what to say and how to conduct themselves.

Engage as my husband and I have in finding officers who will come and talk and role-play with your sons and daughters about how to be skilled allies to my sons during such an encounter. Please find the officers that will not say that if he isn’t doing anything wrong, he will have nothing to worry about because as my friend who has educated themselves about how racism works in this country, you already know that this is not true so you will not allow that lie to be passed on to your sons and daughters.

3. Start talking regularly about racism with your family and friends. You can start right after everyone is feeling good and stuffed on Thanksgiving. I know you don’t want to ruin everyone’s holiday by calling out Uncle Joe or mom on their racist remarks or behavior or by making everyone uncomfortable by starting a conversation that requires people to listen to each other, be honest and open and grapple with this painful topic.

Yes I have heard from some of you how hard it is to confront white people about their “stuff” and how you just stopped because it became too much. And I as a good friend refused to stifle my sarcastic and truthful remark of “who you tellin’?” Recognize that your privilege allows you to checkout while the blackness of my skin never gives me a pass. So I need you to stay vigilant and keep the conversations going and use the skills you are learning in your confronting racism group. As Black people, we do talk about racism consistently with each other because we are believed by each other, we experience it regularly and our very existence depends on us being vigilant about it.

Dear White friends, I am asking you to do this because if things were reversed in this country with regard to race and you and your children were scared, violated and targeted, I would damn well expect you to ask it of me. I want you to know that I will not unfriend you if you do none of the above, but I will also never feel completely safe with you. #BlackLivesMatter.