One of the most settling and bonding moments in the workshops that I run for leaders is when the stories get told. The stories that reveal the times of being triggered and acting poorly or the endless arguments, dissension and lack of ability to face conflict and resolve it. It is both the curtain going up and coming down in that moment as everyone looks around the room and discovers themselves in the revelations. The leader they thought was doing it all right as profits soared and photos of all the “right toys” started turning up on their social media has been hiding conflict. That moment when the true tales of hidden conflict that is causing so much stress, grief and chaos laid out before their peers all to a collective shock and sigh. ‘Ohhhh, they are just like me and I never knew it’ is always the resounding chorus as the group realizes that they are all hiding the conflict in their businesses.
The biggest cost of hidden conflict is that you are constantly stressed out about the fact that if anyone finds out what is really going on behind the scenes, they will know that you are perpetrating a leadership fraud. That’s right, you are posing as a leader and it all looks pretty to the outside world, but the truth is that your team is too frightened of you to tell you when they don’t understand something and they are making costly, time-consuming mistakes. Or some of your team members are unhappy and are expressing that behind your back and creating dissension, division and real unhappiness within the company.
Hidden conflict shows up in so many ways including snide comments at meetings, silence at meetings when you ask if there are any questions, launches and big projects that are not successful unless you step in because your team is not cohesive and cannot handle the stress. (I’ve got plenty more examples, but you know your truth.)
If you are an avoider of conflict then I can promise you that none of this is going away. If you are a yeller, I can guarantee that your team will either yell back or at each other or worse, retreat and take their complaints with them and everyone will be frustrated, unhappy and unproductive. If you are a leader who just wants everyone to get along and you have tried to be friendly and a good listener and please everyone, let me be straight with you, that is not what leadership looks like to your team and they are either taking advantage of you or secretly viewing you as someone they cannot respect.
Inevitably, your clients will start to see what’s really going on behind the curtain and you cannot yell, avoid or peace your way out of that. It’s time to come out of hiding and I can give you four ways to start that journey.
- Come Clean with Yourself: Without judgement or shame, take an honest look at the conflicts that are going on and make a list of them.
- Write Down the Costs of These Hidden Conflicts: Write down what these conflicts are costing you, including the cost to the work climate, profits and to your mental and physical health.
- Be Honest About Needing Help: If you had the mindset and skill set to handle these conflicts productively, you would have done it by now. Look for people, products and services that can help you begin to address them and get to work on them right away.
- Own Your Role In These Conflicts: They happened under your watch. Therefore, you can count on having played a role in either creating them or sustaining them or both. Admit it to yourself and then to your coach, mentor or supervisor and then come clean with your team.
In my work, I have seen it all, I mean every kind of leader imaginable and the bottom line is, when you lead in a way that does not take the time to develop a healthy, skillful and productive relationship with conflict, then you are unnecessarily stressed and much less powerful.
It’s time to address the hidden conflict in your business.
Join me on Amazon, March 15, 2018 for my digital book launch!
Closing Conflicts For Leaders: How to be A Bold Leader and Develop A Kick-Ass, High-Functioning, Happy AF Team!
