I have been doing a lot of listening lately. It is my response to the extreme discord in this country. I need to understand the views of people who are thinking differently from me on a lot of issues. But right now, I want to talk to those who are convinced that they have no interest in or no need for my services.
I have been listening to you and I want to see if I can capture what I have heard.
There is no use in trying to talk to the person or the people that you are in conflict with because they just don’t listen. You would rather avoid the issue and keep moving past it, because eventually it will go away or they will get tired and move on and you just won’t have to deal with it anymore. That’s good, because who wants to deal with conflict anyway? It’s messy and uncomfortable and really inconvenient. Like at work, just when a project is going along well… here comes that one co-worker who always has to throw some “ish” in the game. They are never satisfied and they have to let everyone know it. No one wants to deal with her. So you either shut her down or just walk away. It’s easier. Maybe it’s the team that you supervise. They don’t get along long enough to get the work done when it’s due. You just carry the bulk of the work because arguing is not your thing.
With your child… hey, you’re the parent. So you are the boss. You may not be able to make them get along all the time, but you can put them on punishment, yell to get heard or get out of the house for a little bit and let the chips fall where they may. It’s too much work to try to get everyone to get along and you certainly don’t want me to tell you what you are doing wrong (your words), because God knows it is not you who has the problem it’s them.
With your spouse, partner, love interest? Don’t get you started. They are impossible to talk to. They never listen and you don’t think they will ever change even though you are constantly telling them they need to.
So to let you know that I am listening, let me tell you that I agree with you. You should not work with me. You should work with someone who will teach you some techniques to use that don’t require the challenging work of going within and finding out all of the things that you bring to the table when conflicts arise. You should work with someone who will give you some quick tips on listening and not ask you to evaluate your listening skills and the effect they have on others in your life. You should go with someone who will help you look at conflict on a surface level without requiring you to go deep into your feelings, deeply rooted beliefs and cultural norms.
I ask a lot of my clients and if I have been listening, I mean deeply listening to you, I am not who you want.
