This afternoon I was working hard on all of the tasks that are building my master brand. I’m a little different than most people, because I like to work in silence. So when I hear the sounds of young people on the basketball courts, I let it in not as a distraction but rather as a pleasant sound. Young people doing something positive. My own sons played on those courts for years and I am sure I know some of the teens out there.
I continue with my work until I hear a beat… a hip hop beat. Uh oh, I start boppin’ my head until…
I am assaulted by the most disgusting lyrics and cuss words pumping loud from the courts. There are buildings with terraces and windows that sit and look out on the courts and elders of all races walking on the streets shaking their heads in disgust or holding their ears. Song after song plays seemingly without any one of the teens caring about what is blasting through our neighborhood.
I can hear my old school parents now. “If these kids had old school parents this would not be happening. They’d get their behinds beat. All of this listening for feelings and allowing them to express every little thing that is on their minds is ruining the power of parents and their authority. Too many teens are disrespectful to adults because we are so busy trying to be their friend with this new school “talking to them crap.” What are we teaching them by listening to them? They need to be listening to us!”
Now if you remember, I am new school with an old school chaser when it comes to parenting. I can ask open questions and validate feelings in a heartbeat. But if that’s not working and they choose to get out of hand, I can do “The Look” with the best of them! I’m a Black Mom. “The Look” is mandatory in my culture. You know what I’m talkin’ about. That expression you throw them that says in my case, “Did you just lose your mind? Don’t even think about doing that again!” Oh and I’ve got some old school phrases lurking around in my tool box too. You know like, “because I said so that’s why” or “Because I’m your Mom, END OF DISCUSSION!”
There are a lot of conversations online, in print and in person about new school vs old school parenting. Steve Harvey had a whole panel of folks on his show recently fighting it out to get the audience to side with them. I don’t have a side but I do have a view.
RESPECT
Whatever camp you fall into, this is a high priority. Parents of both schools of thought want their children to respect themselves, adults and their peers. The place where these two camps differ I attribute to cultural norms and differences. Whenever respect hits the board in any of my workshops, I always get the “Amen nod.” Everyone agrees that it is important but the thing that we forget or honestly just don’t know is that…
So it is with these two parenting cultures. Old school norms say adults are to be respected by children simply because they have earned that right by reaching adulthood. New school is more likely to subscribe to the thought that adults need to earn the respect of children by how they treat them just as children need to earn the respect of adults.
FEAR
Parents in both groups fear for their children’s safety.
Fear in particular is a strong motivator in African American and Latino homes where old school tends to dominate and with good reason. Our children are in danger from both racism and internalized oppression on top of the other societal dangers that all parents fear.
LOVE
No matter what school of thought they come from, parents love their children. I know that from the groups I have worked with.
Love is the reason that new school often allows a longer discussion and old school decides there is no discussion on this. Both love their children enough to shape their development in their own way.
I am fortunate to work with parents period… no matter where they rest in this debate. The truth is that there are a myriad of reasons why too many of our young people are engaging in behaviors that adults find disrespectful, but neither of these camps shoulder that responsibility. As parents, we need to listen to and support each other because this journey is too important to be at odds.
What kind of parent are you or what kind of parents were your parents? I want to hear from you.
No matter where you fall in this we all need help. I am offering help in my interactive webinar The Five Things You Should Never Do If You Want Your Kids to Listen to You on Thursday May 19, 2016 at 8:00pm EDT. Be sure to look for my email announcement with the details, coming your way next week.
