“You’re a conflict resolution specialist. I know you help people resolve conflicts with other people but what do I do if the conflict is inside me?”
This was the desperate message I received from a friend in the midst of a genuine struggle with himself and lifelong issues that were surfacing once again in his life. He caught me right as I was about to do my workout in the small window I had allotted for it and I am faithful to what I call “hitting the floor” at home. But how could I not respond right there in the moment to a friend who was obviously in pain and wanting to be heard and helped?
James Baldwin
“Okay,” I responded in my head. “But he’s not going to like it.” No quick fix.
A series of James Baldwin quotes ran through my head as I gathered my thoughts on how to answer his question.
1. LOVE YOURSELF
I write knowing in all earnest that throwing those words around is almost cliché by now. In a world that judges everything about us, it takes a tremendous amount of something that most of us have trouble obtaining… to honestly full out love yourself. I know whatever conflict exists inside of you will always loom larger in the dark. Shining the night light of love on it allows you to see just how big or small it really is.
No matter how bad things are, if you know what you love about yourself and continue to have faith in those things, you can start to find your way out of your inner conflict.
One tip: Start A List. What do you like/love about you? What do you do well? What are your strengths? And do not compare yourself to anyone else. Focus on one thing on your list each day and Bask in, Believe in, Live and Celebrate it!
2. FACE IT
Face the issues that are causing the conflict. What is your role in it and what feelings come up when you think about your role in it? I watched a beautiful interview with Oprah and a man named Shaka Senghor who served 19 years in prison for second degree murder. That is a heavy load to live with if one is ready to face the truth about the decisions one has made in their life.
He talked about the inner conflicts he struggled with as he faced what he had done and the effects it had on him and those connected to the man he murdered. Feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, grief, unworthiness, regret, anger and confusion almost overwhelmed him as he sat and allowed himself to face them by feeling every ounce of them. He used them to connect with the essence of who he is, a man with feelings. He allowed them to be the fuel for change. This is something that each of us need to do if we are to resolve our inner conflicts.
I encourage us all to feel our feelings deeply and not run and escape to our favorite “-ing” activity… like shopping, sleeping, drinking, arguing, blaming, hooking up, eating (mine); you know what yours is.
as drowning in it. It is learning how
to use it.” – James Baldwin
3. ACCEPT PAST MISTAKES
Accept whatever you have done in the past and whatever you continue to do in the present, but don’t drown in it.
How can you use it to propel yourself forward? What have you learned that can help you resolve your inner conflicts?
I always say that awareness is the first step, now make one of these three things your next one.
